Rt. Hon Boris Johnson
Mayor of London
Greater London Authority
City Hall
The Queen’s Walk
More London
London SE1 2AA
Dear Mayor,
Let me begin by congratulating you on your victory as MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip at the recently concluded General Election. I would also like to congratulate the Conservative Party on securing another five-year mandate to govern the United Kingdom. Everywhere I go, I see the smiles on people’s faces. I was at a restaurant in the City when BBC projected a Conservative victory. We all gazed at the TV with our mouths wide open and began to cry like babies. We couldn’t believe our luck: banker bashing will stop, less regulation for us and hopefully more money in the bank. I understand that a number of energy companies have declared two week holidays for its employees; the share prices of luxury property developers are on the ascendency and street parties are still being held in the various tax havens that dot the British Isles. The tax evaders can’t believe their luck. There couldn’t be a better time to be affluent, ambitious and influential.
I am also glad to see that our beloved party has got the ball rolling. It is barely two weeks since we got elected and already we plan to cut the Disabled Access to Work Fund and have announced a new tough regime on migrants. Hopefully if we can starve the migrants by withholding their salaries, it would deter others from coming to Britain. People might call us the nasty party, but if they really think that we are nasty, why did they give us a mandate?
The purpose of this letter is to offer some practical suggestions on how to make London the pre-eminent city in the world (feel free to share with your colleagues in Westminster). I know you have spent the past eight years trying to transform London into a first class city, however more can be done. I am a bit disappointed with the progress we have made in making London a gentrified city. London can never be a first class city as long as she has second-class citizens roaming the street of our great city. In the next couple of pages, I will discuss why and how we should accelerate the gentrification of London.
London is one of the great cities of the world, but it can still be greater. The success of our great party is linked to London’s success. If we can make London a gentry colony, the possibility of our party ruling the UK for a thousand years will become a reality. So far, our attempts have yielded some small victories. We are gradually displacing the poor people of Brixton and Hackney; house prices throughout London are at elevated levels and a number of oligarchs are snapping up properties in the highbrow areas. But we need to be bolder. I suggest you set up a gentrification task force with the mantra: Making London Richer, Whiter and Classier. The task force should be given the following mandate: a) Make London a poverty free zone b) Replace all forms of social housing with private housing c) Create a “pure” London by stripping it off its brown, black, yellow and red elements and d) Make London the epicenter of unfettered capitalism.
One reason why we have been unsuccessful with our gentrification agenda is because our messaging has been ineffective. We have not been able to articulate properly the justification and benefits of a gentrified London. May I suggest you appoint without delay Katie Hopkins as our Gentrification Tsar. Katie did a sterling job in responding to the drowning of the migrants in the Mediterranean Sea. The level of poverty is on the rise. We have the homeless littering the streets and thousands of people living on food banks. The elevated level of poverty is a threat to London’s position as a global financial hub and it is bringing down London’s per capita GDP; hence why we need to carry out a ‘Kosovo-style cleansing’ of the poor.
Furthermore, the possibility of future riots in London makes it unsafe for the aristocrats to walk freely on the streets. Have you been following the events taking place in Ferguson and Baltimore? We can’t afford to have riots near the financial district, as it would be a threat to lives and more importantly to property. Unfortunately, this is a possibility as long as we have black people in London. Something drastic has to be done to purify the city. I am aware that some people may play the race card and accuse me of racism. They are wrong because not only do I have a black sounding name, but also my best friend is black? We must get rid of black crimes like car jacking and burglary which cost a couple of quid, but let us legalise white crimes like LIBOR rigging, tax evasion and money laundering by oligarchs and corrupt dictators which cost tax payers only a couple of millions of pounds.
Another justification for gentrification is because we need to reward our supporters. In the run up to the General Elections, a number of property developers came to our rescue when our backs were against the rope. Remember how they contributed £3.3 million to our cause in 2011? I presume the market expects us to be favourable to the developers because the share prices of luxury property companies went up shortly after our election victory. Failure not to gentrify London will disappoint not only the market, but also our benefactors.
If we claim to be the party of aspiration, we have to make London aspirational to people. For too long, the plebs have taken London for granted. If we can rid London of the poor, working class and the disabled, they will become more ambitious and work harder so that they can afford to live in London. Separation is the best way of promoting aspiration.
I know that some members of our party maybe sceptical about the plan, but you can use the following selling points to convince them: a) Gentrification will boost London’s per capita GDP and productivity b) It enables us to reduce the deficit by raising property taxes on overinflated properties c) It could serve as a model for our devolution plan for other cities in the UK and d) It would be possible for the political elites to chillax with the gentry throughout the metropolis without fear of getting mugged.
Having discussed the justification and benefits of gentrification let me now move on to the practical steps our party can implement to make our programme a success.
We will need a strong and effective police force to enforce law and order throughout the 33 gentrified London boroughs. The present Metropolitan and City of London Police force are ill equipped to carry out this function. Since London will become the domain of the high and mighty, it is critical that our new hosts feel safe. I recommend that you privatise the police force without delay. Perhaps G4S could assume policing duties throughout London. This will be a win win situation for all. The rich will be protected and the government will save millions of pounds. To make London inaccessible to the unemployed, the homeless, the bloody immigrants and the disabled we could introduce a market based solution to incentivise the police. We could offer each police officer £400 for every destitute arrested. We could also create a London Border Agency to control the borders. Anyone coming into London must have a visa, which will cost £200,000. May I also suggest that you designate London a Green Zone and get the best engineers to build a wall around London similar to that of the Wall Of Jericho. The London Jericho Wall should be electrified, however it is should be designed in such a way that it doesn’t harm the rich and influential if they accidentally touch it.
Language can be used as an effective tool to make London inaccessible to the working class. You could issue a Received Pronunciation Act, which makes it illegal for anyone in London to speak in any accent apart from a posh accent. Anybody caught speaking with a cockney accent should be banished from London while those with foreign accents should be detained unless they have a net worth of £2 million. We should instruct BBC to change the cast of Eastenders to people who speak the Received Pronunciation English accent. Some human right agitators may start to complain, but they will have no basis to complain once we have scrapped the Human Rights Act.
As we try to gentrify London, we must be careful not to make it obvious that we only want the rich to stay in London. While London should be a no go area for the migrant, the poor and the working class, we should try to accommodate some of the middle class. I have done some analysis and found out that in the general scheme of things, the middle class as a social group is more aligned to the riches of the rich than the poverty of the poor. Very often, they see themselves as superior to the poor and working class and equal to the super rich even though many are only two or three pay cheques away from poverty. So we need them on our side. We will tangle the carrot in front of them and as long as they “aspire” to eat the carrot, they will dance to our tune. Once we get the buy-in from the middle class, our job is done. They could help us tell the poor that London is not meant for paupers; they could help us tell the working class that they need to work hard in order to live in London. We should also offer tokens to a few black middle class to live in London. You will be surprised at the wonder these tokens could do. Some of these black middle class Londoners will support our clampdown on immigrants and the gentrification of London.
We should also accelerate the continuous replacement of social housing with luxury apartments. Some may ask where should we put the council tenants? Easy. We can ship them to Scotland where they can keep Nicola Sturgeon occupied. In addition, our cuts to the public sector should help rid London of its public sector population; I have always believed that London will be better off with private sector oriented people.
If we want to make London the epicenter of unfettered capitalism, we need a new approach. I strongly recommend we banish all forms of religion in the capital and promote only one religion: CAPITALISM. Once all the destitutes have been sent packing, we should order the gentlemen to drop their golden watches, the gentle-teenagers their gold earrings and the gentle-ladies their golden necklaces in front of Bank Station. The gold deposited at the station should then be molded by the best goldsmith into a golden calf. Once the golden calf has been created, it should be transferred to an elevated altar opposite Canary Wharf Station. A bank holiday should be declared when all Londoners congregate and bow before the god of money and make a public declaration saying, “You are the god of London who delivered us from the bondage of poverty.”
We can revise the educational curriculum so that our children are trained in the ways of unfettered capitalism so that when they are old, they will not depart from it. They must memorise the Ten Commandments of unfettered capitalism, which are as follows:
- i.) The “market” is a human being
- ii.) The “market” has no moral limit
- iii.) The “market” cannot be questioned
- iv.) The “market” is always right
- v.) The word “MARKET” must always be in capital letters
- vi.) Regulation is sinful
- vii.) Richness is next to godliness
- viii.) Inequality is justifiable
- ix.) The hottest place in hell is reserved for the poor
- x.) Compassion is a vice that should be avoided
Before I round up, I’d like to say something about the media. We must try to engage the services of your former colleagues in the media, as the success of our programme is dependent on the support we get from them. The media play a key role in shaping public opinion in London. We could get them to use fear as a weapon. Just as they demonised the bloody immigrants especially the Roma people to sway opinion in favour of immigration reforms, perhaps they can demonise poor Londoners so as to sway public opinion in favour of gentrification.
In conclusion, I am conscious that you have around one year before your tenure as London Mayor expires. We therefore have to act fast and complete the gentrification process. Since we have got a fresh mandate, we better strike the iron while it is hot before people change their mind. If we succeed, we will be on course towards a one thousand year rule.
Selah.
Yours faithfully,
Alatenumo Xavi
May 2015
PS:
I have asked Ahmed Sule my secretary to draft this letter on my behalf. I trust Ahmed’s judgment and would not expect him to misinterpret what I have dictated to him. In case he has misinterpreted me, I bear no responsibility for the contents.
Cc
Conservative Party
Foxton Estate Agents
Knights Walk Campaign
Lambeth Council
Reclaim Brixton
Archbishop of Canterbury
Professor Loretta Lees
Just Space
Southwark Notes
Save Earl’s Court
Save Our Sutton
Royal Borough of Kensington & Chelsea
Hackney Housing Group
Haringey Housing Action
Shepherd’s Bush Market Tenants’ Association
Save Portobello Road Market
Ravensbury Grove
THE ALATENUMO 