by Al Alatenumo

To

Mike Dickson
Hanna Popilevych
Stuart Fraser
Martha Kelner
Alison Boshoff
Laura Williamson

Dear All,

Hope all is well? I’m sending this to letter to you via a secure medium, as I don’t want the contents to be seen by the outside world. So I trust you will not forward it to anyone.

Let me begin by commending the Daily Mail on its excellent coverage of the Wimbledon Championship. I particularly enjoyed reading Mike Dickson’s article titled, “Mystery of Serena Williams’ Wimbledon meltdown deepens… with doubts cast over her ‘viral illness’ explanation.” I also love the photo shoot that Sportsmail did for Eugenie Bouchard . She looks absolutely stunning especially with her infectious smile.

I started writing this letter on the morning of the 5th of July 2014 in anticipation of a Eugenie Bouchard’s victory at Wimbledon, but after her loss last Saturday, I had to make some slight changes. However, the overall message still remains the same i.e. THE QUEEN IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!

With Serena’s early exit in the last three Grand Slam tournaments, it is safe to assume that we have now seen the end of the Serena Williams dynasty. Even though Petra Kvitová thrashed Eugenie Bouchard at the 2014 Wimbledon Championship, I strongly believe that we have entered into a new age of tennis with Ms. Bouchard’s recent coronation as the new Queen of the Court after her defeat of Simona Halep in the Wimbledon Semi Final.

Some people suggest that the media and the Daily Mail in particular are overhyping Ms. Bouchard. I see things differently; you are only helping in facilitating the smooth transition of the Queen of Tennis from the erratic and irresponsible Queen Williams to our very own Queen Bouchard.

Ladies tennis is at a crossroads. For the past 15 years, it has been dominated by one family i.e. the Williams family and in particular by one individual i.e. Serena Williams. We can’t continue to allow Serena to dominate the game. I am really sick of seeing her win trophy after trophy after trophy; tennis is no longer interesting.

I believe that Serena is bad for tennis for a number of reasons. She is not a typical 21st century tennis champion. Look at her background? She does not have a middle class upbringing, which is essential for anyone playing the game. Infact she and her sister Venus were raised in the ghetto. I fear that if Serena refuses to retire, people from the lower classes will become more interested in tennis. It’s already happening already. I feel sick when I walk around some tennis courts and I see people who are not well dressed playing. Sometimes I watch parents especially those not from Europe, training their daughters very early in the morning. It’s like every parent wants to produce the next Serena or Venus. I guess they see tennis as a passport out of poverty or out of the ghetto.

Even, when one goes to Wimbledon, one sees all sorts of people coming to the grounds. Wimbledon is not what it used to be ever since the Williams Sisters came to the scene. No thanks to them, certain breeds of tennis fans have been coming to Wimbledon who are neither well dressed nor well spoken. The other day, I saw this guy wearing a T Shirt with the inscription “Serena Rocks” and another lady was wearing a cap with the words “Williamdon Sisters” boldly displayed. I also get irritated when I pass by the images of the Sisters that appear on the Wimbledon Hall of Fame. I still can’t believe that there are ten images of Serena and Venus in the Hall of Fame.

Another reason why Serena is not good for tennis is because she does not have the look of a true Wimbledon Champion. She is not slim, she is not blonde, she is not blue eyed and she does not speak with clarity. When you throw in her temper tantrums and unsportsmanlike behaviour, she makes a very bad role model. Moreover, her style of play is bringing the game into disrupt.  She is also too dramatic. What we need is a tennis queen, not a drama queen. I know some may say I am a racist, but I disagree. After all, my best friend is black and I once dated a black lady. I also supported Wilfred Tsonga when he played against Novak Djokovic a couple of days ago.

Well, enough said about Serena after all she is on the decline and hopefully, she will stop winning Grand Slams. Whoever takes over as Queen of the Court should fit the model of a true tennis champion. That is why I am really excited about Eugenie Bouchard.

When Maria Sharapova defeated Serena Williams in the 2004 Wimbledon final, I thought that it would usher in a golden era in ladies tennis. Unfortunately, I was proved wrong. Since then Sharapova hasn’t defeated Serena and she is down 2-16 in her head to head with Ms. Williams. Although Sharapova has earned more money than Serena can ever dream off, she has failed in her attempt to be the next “Great Hope”. I don’t think Sharapova can end Serena’s reign as Queen because she has been brutalised by Serena and her sister. As your former colleague eloquently put it seven years ago, “Their Russian victim, only 20 but starting to look a weary veteran of the modern crash-bang-wallop game, has been double-teamed and tag-wrestled into submission this year by the ex-ghetto girls, who have held the line for American women in the face of a collapse in firepower.”

Hopefully, the ten-year wait for our “Great Hope” is finally over. I am confident that Eugenie can fill the void. She possesses everything to make a successful tennis queen. First of all and more importantly, she has the LOOKS and there is this innocence in her that you find lacking in recent Wimbledon champions. As Alison Boshoff rightly put it, Ms. Bouchard “Is gloriously blonde with perfectly regular, brilliantly white film-star teeth, a pair of oiled thighs that could crack walnuts.”  Since Wimbledon is the greatest tennis tournament in the world, ideally the Wimbledon Ladies Champion should be a beauty queen. If one takes a roll call of the past Wimbledon Champions since 2004, apart from Sharapova, none of the winners are paragons of beauty. Look at Serena Williams. Look at Venus Williams. Look at Petra Kvitová. Look at Amelie Mauresmo.  Look at Marion Bartoli.  Infact John Inveradle of the BBC got it right when he said of Bartoli, “You’re never going to be somebody like a Sharapova, you’re never going to be somebody with long legs, so you have to compensate for that.”

Second, unlike Williams, Eugenie Bouchard has class. She comes from a middle class background and speaks good English. It is essential that Wimbledon Champions are eloquent. Many of my friends were not impressed with Kvitová and Bartoli’s victory speeches. Serena is no different; sometimes I have difficulty understanding her deep Compton accent.

Third, Bouchard is a marketing gold mine. Since tennis competes with an array of other sports for viewer’s attention, it is important that we have a champion that is highly marketable. Fortunately, Ms Bouchard ticks all the boxes. More importantly, she is from North America, so this should attract viewers throughout the Western world.  I know some might say, “But Serena is also from North America”; well, Serena and her sister Venus are not originally from North America and are not the sort that will generate interest among tennis fans, the media and sponsors. With Bouchard’s marketability, she will hopefully attract the right people back to Wimbledon. After a few years into her reign we should begin to see more people from the rich suburbs visiting Wimbledon and fewer visitors from the ghetto.

Fourth, Ms. Bouchard has a twin sister called Beatrice. If we can get Beatrice to play tennis it will be a classic case of having two Eugenie’s for the price one. Any benefits coming from Eugenie’s coronation as Queen will be multiplied by a factor of two. Infact we could have two Queens of the Court. The possibilities are endless. Imagine watching the Bouchard’s Sister at Centre Court rather than the irritating Williams Sisters. Perhaps we can start a twitter campaign to urge Beatrice to join the WTA Tour using the hash tag #BeatriceWeNeedYou.

Before I close, I would like to address the “Trophy vs. Beauty Debate”. I am not really concerned if our new Queen of the Court wins Grand Slam titles or not. I am more interested in her becoming the richest and most attractive sports woman in living memory.  Some may complain that it’s not fair that Serena Williams earns much less than some players who have won fewer titles. Tough – life is unfair. Tennis should be about beauty and not ability. I mean what is the point of winning 17 Grand Slam titles if you don’t have the looks.

On another note, I have come up with a novel way for seeding female players and awarding Grand Slam titles. I would be grateful if you could publish my proposed system on your website and newspaper. The name of this system is the Beautability Seed Ranking Model (BSRM®).

BSRM® is a ranking system, which is based on a hybrid of a player’s beauty and tennis ability. Unlike the existing WTA ranking system that gives significant weighting to a player’s tennis prowess, under the BSRM®, more weight will be given to a player’s beauty. For instance, if Serena Williams defeats a beautiful player at the Wimbledon final, instead of giving the Venus Rosewater Dish to Serena, the All England Lawn Tennis Club could apply the BSRM® system as per below:

Ranking points for the winner: 2,500 points

Ranking points for the more beautiful player: 8,000 points

Ranking points for the less beautiful player: 3,500 points

Maximum/minimum point for the more beautiful player = 10,500/8,000

Maximum/ minimum point for the less beautiful player = 6,000/3,500

That way, Serena will get a total of 6,000 points – comprising of 2,500 points for winning the match and 3,500 points for coming second in the beauty contest. The beautiful and sexy losing finalist will get a total of 8,000 points and will be crowned Wimbledon Champion. We can even award extra points for a player’s proficiency in English.

With this system in place, it will almost be impossible to have a Wimbledon Champion that is not beautiful. According to my back testing model, if this system had been applied from 1999, Serena Williams would have won only 2 Grand Slam titles. Likewise, Eugenie Bouchard would have been the current Wimbledon Champion and Bartoli and Kvitová would never have been crowned Wimbledon champions.

Finally, many thanks for taking the time to read my letter and my proposal for moving tennis forward. Once again, I plead with you to keep the contents of this letter confidential, as I don’t want people to accuse me of being a Serenaphobe or a racist or a misogynist.  I look forward to a new era of beautiful Wimbledon Champions.

The future is bright; the future is Eugenie.

The Queen is dead, long live the Queen!
Kind Regards.

Al Alatenumo
July 2014

alatenumo@gmail.com

or

c/o suleaos@gmail.com

cc Paul Dacre

This content of this letter is confidential, private and intended for only the addressee.